Friend Crushes

Hey y'all! It's been a while, but I was finally inspired to collect these thoughts into some semi-coherent cluster, which might not be coherent at all by the time I finish. And this post may get a little strange and cliche. Or not. I'm just trying to be honest and coherent.

My roommate has these...infatuations called "friend crushes." A friend crush is basically someone, typically of the opposite gender, who you don't know very well but seems really, REALLY fascinating, and you want to be his (or her) friend because they seem so cool. Friend crushes are not to be confused with actual crushes; no romantic feelings or attractions are involved.

I'd be lying if I said that I didn't have a list of friend crushes. Quite honestly, my list has grown exponentially in the past month in or two, but the fear of misunderstanding and subsequent rejection is a hindrance. At a school where 85% (I'm guessing. Prove me wrong. I dare you.) of the student body assumes that ANY guy and girl who hang out together are dating, I don't want to send the wrong signal, even if I thoroughly explain myself. I don't know what's running through his mind....but I can imagine....

Me: "Hey, wanna grab some coffee when you're free sometime this week?"
Him: Oh my gosh, she's gonna put something in my drink when I'm not looking and then marry me once I faint! I don't wanna be her ring by spring! HELP!!!..... "Sorry, I'm busy. You know, playing X-Box. Or something."

Yeah....a bit of an exaggeration....but awkward. This fear has been holding me back for a while. I'm not sure what I'll do about it. I joke with some of single female friends, saying, "I'm gonna ask that guy out for coffee. And it's gonna be fun! Yeah, feminism!" I don't want it to be like that: one coffee "date" then nothing more. I want to make friends, just like a kindergartener on the first day of school. I think we all realize that multiple lengthy conversations are rare in a fast-paced world. We can't truly get to know the people we sit next to in our Earth Science class when we're sitting in silence for an hour, and that's the only time we see them. Well, maybe you don't want to befriend that kid in Earth Science. But this seems like common sense: more conversations on a deeper level = new and better friendships.

I obviously can't speak for everyone, but these conversations are important to me. As an introvert, I value quality time with a small number people over a large, high-energy group. I crave conversations with people who think like I do, even if we don't agree on everything. At the moment, I'm failing to reconcile this desire to converse with like-minded individuals with my fear of rejection. Making friends has always been difficult for me, but as I got older, I learned how to hide my shyness to do what had to be done so that I wouldn't be friendless. However, I can still remember the rejection I experienced every day at recess when I was in kindergarten, 1st, and 2nd grade. I hope this doesn't turn into a sob story; please don't pity me. The things we carry with us into adulthood can surprise us. I think my fear goes much deeper than a simple resurgence of childhood shyness. Perhaps anxiety feeds my fears. Or maybe it's social expectation. Or a subconscious effort to fit the female introvert stereotype. Maybe I'll never know the root cause.

Maybe this conclusion is obvious, but I think it's worth repeating. I believe that each of us has an inherent desire for friends and community. Like I said, a tad obvious. This is where most people would bemoan technology or despair about how people are becoming less compassionate, and I tend to agree with them, depending on my mood. For me, the take-away isn't that we should be complaining about what's wrong. The point is that we should act. If I actually did that, my friend crush list would probably be empty by now. I overcame my shyness in the past, and I'm glad I confronted that issue at a young age. As a result, I have some rather fantastic friends, and I hope to make more. Each person has a story that's worth hearing, and I'd love to hear those stories. At the end of day, I have a choice: initiate those conversations and make new friends while continuing to build current friendships, or fear the possibility of failure. I still don't know precisely how I'll reconcile this tension. I know that I must.

And if you get an invite for coffee, hey, at least you've been warned.

Power and Leadership

In light of the end of the semester, creating another blog post seems like a good way to procrastinate. Actually, I've been meaning to post the following paragraph for a while but forgot to do so. However, seemingly unrelated events, conversations, articles, books, classes, and websites have prompted me to share my thoughts. Like I've said before, I have no concrete idea how to live life, but I think that we devalue ourselves sometimes. We don't realize how significant we are to others.

Any form of power can be against the gospel. Christians cannot change anything through the current power structure. As Christians, we wield power, so we must challenge the current structure that equates social status and opinion over self-sacrificial love. The power that Christians wield is in the form of leadership. This leadership is not the typical definition of leadership. This leadership requires no campaigning, no nominations, no searching, and no formal recognition. As soon as we interact with another person, we lead others and permit others to lead us. We influence our peers, family members, group mates, friends, coworkers, employers, etc. simply by interacting with them. They can act based on our examples, comments, and actions. This leadership has transformative power in the lives of others, but we cannot see them as objects over which we exert our influence and ideas. By reducing our friends to objects, they are no longer friends, and power has corrupted us. Thus why any form of power can be used against the gospel. However, this is a conversation; dialogue, discourse, and influence flow both ways. Others influence us with their leadership. For Christians, these relationships make sense, both within the church and outside the church. We are a community of believers, so we should act like this is so within the church.

Evil and Compassion

I wish I could concisely summarize what Dr. Brown said Monday during chapel, but sadly I cannot. However, I did enjoy listening to what he had to say. He referenced a story in Luke 7, discussing the love the prostitute showed toward Jesus as he dined with the Pharisee, Simon.  What struck me at first was not her love but her sadness. What caused her to cry enough to wash the dirt from Jesus’ feet? What happened to her? Additionally, Dr. Brown read part of an email a student sent him sometime last week. The girl who wrote the email sounded very distraught; I want to meet her. In summation, the email discussed her thoughts about depravity in the world, questioning her own intentions for praying for God’s kingdom to come. If the kingdom were to return today, then evil would be defeated, which would be good. However, those who are oppressed and do not know Jesus would be thrown into an even worse situation. Starvation, violence, and oppression would then be the least of their problems. She wondered how she could be justified in praying for God’s kingdom to return when many who are already living in pain would end up in even more pain and suffering.

I’d never thought of God’s return like that before.  Do these oppressed individuals, these men, women, and children, deserve to be destroyed simply because they don’t know Jesus when their entire earthly existence has been pain? I don’t know how to answer that. I want to say no; I want to protect them from any more pain and suffering. But what about those who are the oppressors? Is it wrong to have compassion for them? Again, I think of those who commit school shootings and those who take their own lives. Why do we turn them into “the enemy?” Can’t we mourn because they were not saved, they were trapped in a tragic situation, and/or they felt like they had no alternative? We’re just like them. We all do wrong, and we’re all lost. At times, everything seems hopeless, even though we remind ourselves of God’s promises. On some level, I think everyone is capable of realizing the level our lost and broken states, but, since we don’t like to feel pain, we suppress self-analysis and distance ourselves from those who are “different,” “evil,” or make us feel uncomfortable. This ignorance makes us content with shunning and condemning “the enemy” while we feel good about ourselves.

Although I have asserted that we’re all broken, I think there’s a more important similarity that has not been addressed: We are made in God’s image. This seems obvious, but think about it for a second. God created the individuals who will always be remembered for committing acts of evil. He created the school shooters, the serial killers, the rapists, the thieves, the terrorists, and the corrupt. And He loves them. He loves them, regardless of what they do. Forgive me for using labels, but I’m trying to make a point. I know this sounds like a typical “love your enemies” post, and I guess it is. But the next time you read or watch the news, will your instinctive reaction be to despise the “enemy,” or will you feel compassion for them and be drawn to prayer? Even though the rhetoric is designed to stir up feelings of disgust and hate, what will you do? What will I do? 

Sorry for my wondering thoughts; I can't promise that I'll tie every aspect of my posts together.

Uncertainty and Fasting

Why hello there. As you can see, I don't know what I'm doing. I've never had any experience with blogs or anything like that. Regarding life in general, I don't know what I'm doing half the time. I think that universal problem of uncertainty contributed to my desire to create a blog. Maybe. However, I don't think I'm alone in my uncertainty, and for those of you who are uncertain as well, join the club. I'm sure we can find you some refreshments and a comfortable seat. Yeah, that's my attempt at humor for today.

For one of my classes, I'm required to practice a new spiritual discipline this semester, and I chose fasting. Specifically, I'm fasting from my phone, iPod, social media, and recorded music for two days every week. Email is my only form of electronic communication, and I use the Internet for schoolwork. That's it. I was hoping I'd become a little more self-aware and record my thoughts. I guess the need to share my thoughts and maintain accountability was also part of my motivation for creating a blog. I'm also an English major, so perhaps my inner writer is finally emerging.

So far, I've been unable to summarize my fasting experience succinctly. Each day has been unique with different struggles, discoveries, and pleasures. Recorded music has been the most difficult form of electronic entertainment to give up. So much of my day involves plugging in my earbuds and listening to music while I do homework, read, and sit in my room. Nothing is inherently wrong with listening to music. But, at times, it's easier to ignore life's problems and surround myself with sound than to consciously struggle to find a solution (Yes, I just split an infinitive. Deal with it). One of my friends opposes pain killers because they mask the problem instead of healing it. On some level, anything that is not God can be used as a mask. This is idolatry. Idolatry is inherently wrong.

Well, I've run out of time. I'll add more thoughts in a different post. Enjoy!