Friend Crushes

Hey y'all! It's been a while, but I was finally inspired to collect these thoughts into some semi-coherent cluster, which might not be coherent at all by the time I finish. And this post may get a little strange and cliche. Or not. I'm just trying to be honest and coherent.

My roommate has these...infatuations called "friend crushes." A friend crush is basically someone, typically of the opposite gender, who you don't know very well but seems really, REALLY fascinating, and you want to be his (or her) friend because they seem so cool. Friend crushes are not to be confused with actual crushes; no romantic feelings or attractions are involved.

I'd be lying if I said that I didn't have a list of friend crushes. Quite honestly, my list has grown exponentially in the past month in or two, but the fear of misunderstanding and subsequent rejection is a hindrance. At a school where 85% (I'm guessing. Prove me wrong. I dare you.) of the student body assumes that ANY guy and girl who hang out together are dating, I don't want to send the wrong signal, even if I thoroughly explain myself. I don't know what's running through his mind....but I can imagine....

Me: "Hey, wanna grab some coffee when you're free sometime this week?"
Him: Oh my gosh, she's gonna put something in my drink when I'm not looking and then marry me once I faint! I don't wanna be her ring by spring! HELP!!!..... "Sorry, I'm busy. You know, playing X-Box. Or something."

Yeah....a bit of an exaggeration....but awkward. This fear has been holding me back for a while. I'm not sure what I'll do about it. I joke with some of single female friends, saying, "I'm gonna ask that guy out for coffee. And it's gonna be fun! Yeah, feminism!" I don't want it to be like that: one coffee "date" then nothing more. I want to make friends, just like a kindergartener on the first day of school. I think we all realize that multiple lengthy conversations are rare in a fast-paced world. We can't truly get to know the people we sit next to in our Earth Science class when we're sitting in silence for an hour, and that's the only time we see them. Well, maybe you don't want to befriend that kid in Earth Science. But this seems like common sense: more conversations on a deeper level = new and better friendships.

I obviously can't speak for everyone, but these conversations are important to me. As an introvert, I value quality time with a small number people over a large, high-energy group. I crave conversations with people who think like I do, even if we don't agree on everything. At the moment, I'm failing to reconcile this desire to converse with like-minded individuals with my fear of rejection. Making friends has always been difficult for me, but as I got older, I learned how to hide my shyness to do what had to be done so that I wouldn't be friendless. However, I can still remember the rejection I experienced every day at recess when I was in kindergarten, 1st, and 2nd grade. I hope this doesn't turn into a sob story; please don't pity me. The things we carry with us into adulthood can surprise us. I think my fear goes much deeper than a simple resurgence of childhood shyness. Perhaps anxiety feeds my fears. Or maybe it's social expectation. Or a subconscious effort to fit the female introvert stereotype. Maybe I'll never know the root cause.

Maybe this conclusion is obvious, but I think it's worth repeating. I believe that each of us has an inherent desire for friends and community. Like I said, a tad obvious. This is where most people would bemoan technology or despair about how people are becoming less compassionate, and I tend to agree with them, depending on my mood. For me, the take-away isn't that we should be complaining about what's wrong. The point is that we should act. If I actually did that, my friend crush list would probably be empty by now. I overcame my shyness in the past, and I'm glad I confronted that issue at a young age. As a result, I have some rather fantastic friends, and I hope to make more. Each person has a story that's worth hearing, and I'd love to hear those stories. At the end of day, I have a choice: initiate those conversations and make new friends while continuing to build current friendships, or fear the possibility of failure. I still don't know precisely how I'll reconcile this tension. I know that I must.

And if you get an invite for coffee, hey, at least you've been warned.